Eu. Fotoliul. In ultima vreme am devenit foarte apropiati. Focul danseaza in semineul din fata mea. Linistea din camera e sparta doar de lemnele ce sfaraie intr-un ritm alert, aproape de stingere. La fel si inima. Am 86 de ani si nu am altceva de facut decat sa privesc stelele ce-mi fac cu ochiul de la fereastra. Ridic de pe masuta, cu mana tremurand de batranete, un teanc de hartii ingalbenite de vreme. Le rasfoiesc un pic si un zambet imi rasare pe fatza ridata.Imi aprind o tigara desi m-am lasat de fumat acum mai bine de 50 de ani. Arunc o privire pe ultima pagina: THE END. Ce vremuri. Zambesc din nou. Fumul imi cuprinde plamanul precum o revedere intre vechi prieteni. Sufocat de dor, plamanul imi va ceda, luandu-mi si ultima gura de aer.

O camera in care nici focul nu se mai aude sfaraind. Prin lumina difuza se vede un fotoliu. Pe marginea lui o mana atarna parca fara viata. Pe jos, niste hartii inglabenite stau imprastiate intr-un mod haotic. O adiere de vant da un pic de viata focului ce lumineaza pret de cateva secunde camera. Pe fotoliu, un batranel. Un zambet larg si o privire pierduta undeva in intunericul tavanului. A murit. In mana cealalta are o foaie pe care scrie: Blogul lui Saddler.

Acesta a fost ultimul post.

Nu mai am timp, chef, inspiratie etc etc sa mai scriu.

Gata. Aia e.

ADIO!

Girls always complain about guys stalking them. It’s usually to make them appear more victim-like after. It doesn’t work. When a girl talks about her many stalkers, a guy doesn’t think: “Wow, this girl sure is a prize to be won.” All guys think is: “Wow, this cock tease is nothing but fat and trouble. I’m outta here.”

Most of the time it’s made-up bullshit when a girl complains about a guy stalking her. And even if she does actually think she’s being stalked, it’s usually her fault anyway so she has no reason to complain.

Usually when girls think they’re being stalked, the guy who’s “stalking” has no idea what’s going on. This is because girls do not make it clear to guys how they feel. A girl will talk to a guy on the phone, act nice, laugh, flirt, and then when she hangs up, she’ll bitch to the people around her – “Oh my god that guy is so creepy. He is such a stalker. That guy is such a creep. I mean, I waited until halfway through my custom ring-tone to answer his call. Can’t he take a hint?”
“That guy is so creepy. I told him what color bra I’m wearing and he got all weird and creepy. Oh my god creepy.”
“Oh my god, he’s such a stalker. I told him to call me Saturday and maybe we’ll do something. I said ‘maybe,’ MAYBE. Jesus. CAN’T HE TAKE A HINT? WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING ME?”
“Oh my god, ya know that guy? Like.. what a stalker. Like.. I don’t like.. like him.. but he keeps calling me. Ugh. Right? And I keep answering it. And I keep going to his house and having sex with him. Oh my god, and he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Like.. seriously.. Ugh. So creepy. And we like.. got married and moved in together and now like.. he’s always coming over to my house and like.. sleeping in my bed.. ew it’s so gross. And we had kids and he’s always trying to be around them and like.. take them places.. I think the only reason he pretends to like our kids is to be around me.. uh.”

Because girls fucking suck at hints. A guy’s hint is easy. Guys go like this: “Hey, I don’t want a relationship with you.” End of story. A girl’s idea of a hint is going out to dinner with a guy and using her chewing to say ‘leave me alone’ in morse code. We don’t pick up your crazy symbolic metaphorical subtle suggestions. It’s not that we’re stupid. We just don’t have time to sit and translate and analyze your behavior into madness.

Two years ago I had sex with this girl one night (ow well… kinda’… almost… i wish… anyway, it’s good to use as an example). And in the morning, she said, “Call me later, okay?” So I did. I called her, and she didn’t answer. I called her again the next day. She didn’t answer. Am I a god damn stalker now? She told me to call her. That’s not even a hint, no matter how subtle. She told me to call her. I called her. She was sitting at some bar with all her stupid friends talking about shit and her phone rang and it was me and she looked at it and said, “Oh my god, this creepy stalker guy keeps calling me. Ick to the extreme.”
And her friend is like, “Oh my god, I have one of those too. Aren’t they creepy? Like just leave me alone!” “I know, right!”

Which is bullshit. I didn’t even like her. I just called her because she asked me to. I didn’t want to. I was being fucking polite. She was nothing special. Or, to put it in more clear terms, I wouldn’t be proud of putting our video online.

Who knows if they do this subtlety garbage because they secretly want to be stalked, or if it makes them feel more wanted, or if they like bragging about it. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s some seriously weak-ass annoying shit.

And sometimes it can get really bad. Like when the guy actually likes the girl. The relationship progresses as it should, he falls for her, she gives no indication that anything is wrong, and all of a sudden, she cuts off all communication. Then the guy goes in a fucking insane mode. It drives us nuts when girls do this. Why are you doing this, girls? Is it fun for you? You invest that much of your time and emotional energy on a practical joke?

So the girl leads the guy to believe she’s crazy about him, then goes from crazy-about to ignore instantly without warning. The guy starts “stalking” her. And it’s not so much “stalking” as it is wondering what the fuck happened. Usually the guy just wants to know what he did wrong. He wants to know her reason for doing it. And she never answers, so he starts calling her more often, just to spite her for not answering. So he goes to her house and knocks on the door. Meanwhile, she’s freaking out. She thinks he’s going to rapekill her or something. He just wants to know the story. And she doesn’t answer the door. So he starts going to her house more and more, just to spite her for not answering. She could have avoided it all by being straight forward. It’s really easy to do, watch:

Girl: “Hey, I have something to say to you.”
Guy: “What’s that?”
Girl: “Well, you and I aren’t working out.”
Guy: “I know. That’s why you’re so fat.”
Girl: “No, I mean.. us.. we aren’t working out.”
Guy: “I know. That’s why you’re so fat.”
Girls: “No, our relationship.. it’s not working out.”
Guy: “Honey.. listen.. a relationship is an abstract concept and not only does it not contain bones or flesh, but it doesn’t contain any form of tangible matter at all. It is physically impossible for it to do both free weights and machines. Alright, babe?”

I guess it’s not that easy. But still, they could at least try. Am I asking too much?

From: Catalin Jora
Sent: 12 May, 2010 3:01 PM
To: Chris Saddler
Cc: Luci van Werkendam
Subject: galati – prefectura

Ala, al 2-lea din stanga, mustaciosu,  e taica-su lui Saddler.. l-am recunoscut din pozele de pe situl ala cu nikon….

From: Chris Saddler
Sent: 12 May 2010 15:12
To: Catalin Jora; Luci van Werkendam
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

uite si Jora cu tatal lui, cand era Jorica mic:

From: Luci van Werkendam
Sent: 12 May, 2010 3:13 PM
To: Chris Saddler; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

From: Chris Saddler
Sent: 12 May 2010 15:14
To: Lucian Mihalascu; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

imi cer scuze, am gresit poza…

From: Luci van Werkendam
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2010 3:15 PM
To: Chris Saddler; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

From: Catalin Jora
Sent: 12 May 2010 15:16
To: Lucian Mihalascu; Chris Saddler
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

Hai sictir.

Eu n-aveam tricou de ala cand eram mic. Nu-s eu.

From: Chris Saddler
Sent: 12 May, 2010 3:17 PM
To: Luci van Werkendam; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

imi cer scuze. am gasit-o pe cea cu tricoul corect:

From: Luci van Werkendam
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2010 3:20 PM
To: Chris Saddler; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

From: Chris Saddler
Sent: 12 May, 2010 3:25 PM
To: Luci van Werkendam; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

imi cer scuze iar. asta e poza buna pt ca atunci cand un specimen Jora este la pubertate, singura lui ocupatie este sa arunce cacatzei in stanga si dreapta:

From: Luci van Werkendam
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 2010 3:26 PM
To: Chris Saddler; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

Aveai tricou cu behemot?

From: Chris Saddler
Sent: 12 May, 2010 3:39 PM
To: Luci van Werkendam; Catalin Jora
Subject: RE: galati – prefectura

mii de scuze bai jora. nu am vrut sa iti incurc pozele in halul asta. asta e de fapt poza cu tine si tac-tu langa desenul ce l-ai facut cand erai in clasa a 2a. aveai o imaginatie bogata de mic. presupun ca esti un salbatic in pat…

pana si Luci ar vrea sa fie ca tine

Si de aici s-a rupt firul pt ca eu m-am apucat de munca. Cred ca il fac pe Jora mascota blogului…

Dar daca tot ati citit pana aici, dati-mi si mie un vot la o poza inscrisa intr-un concurs pls. E de ajuns sa dati click pe link, nimic mai mult.

Multumesc!

From: A douchebag
Sent: 10 May, 2010 8:07 AM
To: Chris Saddler
Cc: Some bigger douchebags
Subject: RE: Request for Information

Chris ,

Each time we ask something about functionallity or architecture we get e a part of an installation instruction.
*insert here some angry statements all ending in exclamation marks*
*there were too many of them (4 to be precise) and containing some info which you shouldn’t be aware of its existence*
Until you’ve got a clear answer, you mail it to me!!

Met vriendelijke groet,
A douchebag

The last phrase of the email made me wonder: does he really want me to send him lots of emails until i get a proper answer for him? I can spam him, that is not an issue. At least just for the fun and sake of it. But i have a feeling that some compliance like departments wouldn’t like my joke Or does he wants to be spammed with the answer before me actually having it? That’s piece of cake. I just need to invent a time machine first.
And regarding the first phrase… oh well, yes, i love forcing people into reading the damn manual one more time haha

After reading his crap i decided to go for a smoke. On the way out, i looked random in the office and noticed something strange. A colleague was wearing a white shirt with a big collar/neckband and on top of it a red coat. This guy also has a big beard. After a few milliseconds of looking at him a thought came through my mind: The fucking Santa Claus exists and he is working for the same company as me. In the same fucking office. This guy is Santa!!!!!!!
On my way out for the next smoke brake I will drop him a letter on his desk with all my wishes for the next Christmas. With a P.S. saying that if he won’t grant me all of them I will make sure his PC won’t work anymore. And his meal won’t taste that good either. And his chair will brake. His leg too. His entire life. And afterlife. To the infinite and beyond.

Signed,
Captain Planet

Every time there’s wildlife footage of people on a boat looking at dolphins, some girl always freaks out, “Holy shit! Dolphins! Wow! Dolphins, honey, look! Wow! Can you see? The dolphins I’m pointing at with my finger. Right there. Follow my finger to the dolphins!Are you already near the dolphins dear? It’s like i’m swiming with them!!!” And she stands there filming the dolphins and the camera is shaky as fuck like she’s having a gang bang with some black dudes. And the husband is like, “Wow honey, that’s incredible… Wow… Dolphins… Amazing…”
But you know that what the husband really wants to say is, “Look bitch. We’re on a boat.. starying at a giant flat blue landscape as far as the eye can see.. and the only thing in sight is water, sky, and a bunch of six-meters-long epic creatures leaping out of the water five meters from us practically bull-snouting me in the cock. I see the fucking dophins. A blind man could see those dolphins. A blind man could literally put out his hand and read the dolphins like braille, and know that they’re dolphins.” But she doesn’t comprehend the concept that other people have eyes. She’s like, “Honey! Look! Right there! See? Wow! WOOOWWW! Check out those 100% real live dolphins in the water! They’re’ the ones with the fins. See their FINS? DolPHINS? Get it? Except dolphin is spelled with a PH, but fin has an F.. should be dolFIN. See? Honey?” And I’m in the boat lavatory porking their daughter. And she’s like 20. It’s fucking awesome. Ow wait, that was YouPorn. I’m starting to mix things up here. It’s like having the Picture In Picture feature on your TV but you don’t. It’s all in your head. It’s real life 3D. But it’s not. I’d better go back and play Evony. It’s like the best game ever. Too bad it takes your life away and puts some shit instead of it. This sucks.

Good night!

Ma trezesc eu ca orice om normal, de dimineata… pe la 14:35 aproximativ, ma spal pe fatza si… ce vad eu in fatza ochilor? Cum am iesit din baie am aterizat pe mail. Nu stiu de ce. Unul din mail-uri era spam de la Amazon. L-am citit. Nu mi-a luat decat aproximativ 2 minute de cand mi-am sters fatza de apa si pana sa finalizez o comanda de cateva carti de pe Amazon.com Ma simt atat de mandru de ce am putut face semi-lucid. Asta nu poate demonstra decat ca sunt un omo cult, un om cu carte, un om de vaza al societatii, un om respectat si plin de respect pentru semenii lui si pentru cartile ce il inconjoara cu a lor cuvinte magice si pline de intelepciune. Abia astept sa imi ajunga. Stiu, va intrebati ce carti? Ce carti? Zici azi ce carti ti-ai cumparat? Si eu raspund cu da:

Delivery estimate: April 16, 2010 - April 28, 2010
Shipping estimate for these items: April 6, 2010

From: Catalin Jora
Sent: 01 April, 2010 1:59 PM
To: Chris Saddler
Subject: info

Vreau o mie de euro… astept ceva de la tine

A doua incercare a lui Catalin:

PS: sper sa mearga netul in acest moemnt ca sa pot posta. sper sa imi ajunga bateria. sper sa ies din tunel

Reconstituire cu ceva mai safe

E cea mai de cacat faza cand ti se intampla asa ceva. Aveam de gand sa le arat pe YouTube filmuletul “Cow sucking off a Horse – Censored Version”. Acum ei cred ca sunt cine stie ce ciudat – bolnav – dus cu pluta – freak. Life is so unfair…